remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
