So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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