Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
