So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
