sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Do vagina's smell?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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