i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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