Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
