My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
