He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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