At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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