I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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