true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
