i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
