we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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