they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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