Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
