My liver just broke up with me...
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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