No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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