and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
