ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
