Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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