no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Lo siento on account of my penis...
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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