i need an iv and a liver transplant
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
