Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
