I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
