the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
