New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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