My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
