There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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