You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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