I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
