Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
