my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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