My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
