he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
