I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
