got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
