girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
