one might say we're banned from that church
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
