I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
