I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
