My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The uberlube is also flammable
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
please don't ironically join a cult
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