I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
