his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
