i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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