he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
