Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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