yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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