Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
