I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
